Yesterday, I got that much needed massage, redeeming that gift certificate from last year. I needed it more now than then so I'm glad I waited. I was feeling as stressed out as I've ever felt in all my days. My poor body needed a little care and the massage was just what the doctor ordered. I felt like a newborn baby when the 50 minutes were over, and I was already scheming a way to get the same treatment once a month.
I'm starting to feel more myself. I've had a bit of a rough patch lately, due in part to the new medication I'm on but mostly to this big life change that was standing on my doorstep. All I can say is that it is so much more difficult than I ever dreamed to take care of 3 broken little ones at once. Perhaps more than I can handle.
I find myself missing our little Baby so much. You'd think as busy as I've been that it might not be the case. But my heart still breaks wide open at the thought of him so very far away. And as I make preparations for these little ones, sorting through the toys and books he left behind, sitting on the floor of what was his room, the echoes of his laughs and cries and songs still vibrate in the walls and I ache for him. Sometimes I imagine myself floating above his world in California, watching him play and learn and grow. I've even found myself tapping his address into Google Earth, hoping to see a vague shadow of my little boy chasing a ball.
The other day, when I was feeling especially blue, a small parcel containing this little jewel arrived. Lynn Krestel made this sweet memento of our Baby as a gift to me. I can't tell you how much I love it and how special it is to me. It helps me to replace the sadness and emptiness with gratitude.
I'm busy today getting the house together, throwing laundry in and out of the washer and dryer, and doing a million little things. And all that I do today, I offer as a prayer for strength and love and patience. And I pray that my heart will continue to overflow with gratitude. Gratitude for what has been given and for all that's sure to come.