Thursday, March 5, 2009

healing

Yesterday, I got that much needed massage, redeeming that gift certificate from last year. I needed it more now than then so I'm glad I waited. I was feeling as stressed out as I've ever felt in all my days. My poor body needed a little care and the massage was just what the doctor ordered. I felt like a newborn baby when the 50 minutes were over, and I was already scheming a way to get the same treatment once a month.

I'm starting to feel more myself. I've had a bit of a rough patch lately, due in part to the new medication I'm on but mostly to this big life change that was standing on my doorstep. All I can say is that it is so much more difficult than I ever dreamed to take care of 3 broken little ones at once. Perhaps more than I can handle.

I find myself missing our little Baby so much. You'd think as busy as I've been that it might not be the case. But my heart still breaks wide open at the thought of him so very far away. And as I make preparations for these little ones, sorting through the toys and books he left behind, sitting on the floor of what was his room, the echoes of his laughs and cries and songs still vibrate in the walls and I ache for him. Sometimes I imagine myself floating above his world in California, watching him play and learn and grow. I've even found myself tapping his address into Google Earth, hoping to see a vague shadow of my little boy chasing a ball.

The other day, when I was feeling especially blue, a small parcel containing this little jewel arrived. Lynn Krestel made this sweet memento of our Baby as a gift to me. I can't tell you how much I love it and how special it is to me. It helps me to replace the sadness and emptiness with gratitude.

I'm busy today getting the house together, throwing laundry in and out of the washer and dryer, and doing a million little things. And all that I do today, I offer as a prayer for strength and love and patience. And I pray that my heart will continue to overflow with gratitude. Gratitude for what has been given and for all that's sure to come.

24 comments:

Rebekah said...

Amy-
Been "lurking" on your blog for awhile--today, I feel some strange reason to comment. You, my dear, are a full fledged mom. You cry, you laugh, you wonder, you wish, you dream, your heart breaks, and then puts itself back together again.

Patty said...

Hi Amy ! When my oldest was 3 I had a set of twins and 2 years later a surprise again. I remember thinking everyone else knew something I didn't - How did they get thru the day ???? Someone then said to me the first year with twins is all about survival - so if there were 3 when I woke up and the same 3 when we went to bed I did my job.LOL !!! I had really enjoyed my first . Remembered every first had amazing bonding time etc. After the twins came I remember crying ALOT. It is a huge undertaking for anyone.You are completely NORMAL to be overwhelmed. It will take time but you will hit a point where things will click - some days more then others. It really helped me to find someone with kids the same age - maybe your church has a moms group ???- and get out and interact with other grownups and other kids.Even a trip to the totally fenced in park will do alot to aleviate the stress of the day for all of you. My husband knows on the weekends I need to get out to our local Borders lurk thru the magazines and down a coffee -ALONE !!! Do what YOU need to do to keep your sanity.~~~~soothing vibes your way~~~~ Patty

Leanne said...

Here's my two cents. Keep it simple. Simple words, simple minutes,simple meals...simple life. Live in the moment. OH...and don't forget to ask for help when you need it...that's what friends are for!

Andrea Villarreal said...

I have missed you:( But as I read your thoughts my heart is breaking for you. You'll just have to always think of your "Baby" being in a safe warm environment now with people who love him as much as you do. As for three little one's, it is going to be hard. I would imagine harder than anything you have ever done in your life! I certainly can't even fathom it:) But what a TRUE blessing you and your husband are for these three little people. You'll find your way. I don't know you personally but I am just sure of it:) So just close your eyes take a deep breath and let it out slowly. But don't close your eyes too long. Do you know how much trouble toddlers can get into??:)

Susan said...

Amy,
So sorry you've had a rough patch. I'm a mom of two separated by less than two years, and I know how hard that was at times. I can only imagine the challenge of what you are undertaking. Keep your chin up- you'll get through these days and be better for it!
I wish I could bring you dinner! (But it would get pretty cold by the time it reached you from SC!)
You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Joy said...

Yay for massages. I know this is such a roller coaster time for you, but we're rooting for you! I've been keeping all of you (even Baby!) in my prayers. I know you can do it! Huge (((((hugs))))) Amy!

(You know when I remember to pray? While I am doing the laundry. I am used to the bazillion loads of four kids, but I can just imagine what a huge jump it must be for you. *smiles*)

Storybook Woods said...

I just wanted to say I am sorry and I will be praying for you xoxoxo Clarice

Storybook Woods said...

I just wanted to say I am sorry and I will be praying for you xoxoxo Clarice

Amy said...

What a lovely gift and special way to keep Baby close to your heart. A heart that is SO BIG that it will envelope three more little angels. I'm so glad you are pampering yourself a little bit. It has become a hard reality for me as a new mom that I am NOT superwoman and can't do everything. We have to remember to take care of ourselves too. Sending love and prayers your way.

-Amy from Petaluma

Linda said...

God does not give you any more than you can handle. Sometimes you will get tired, almost like you can't go on but in the end you will know that you helped children that really needed help.

littlebuttercups said...

ooohhh, a touchy subject in our house! Our little ones are 3, 4 and 5 and I often feel as crazy as the looks that I get when people ask their ages! I love my family but there aren't enough hours in the day for everything, evidence here is the pile of laundry that graces my hallway! Give where you can, delegate, delegate, delegate and learn to let go of what does not hurt anyone! How I keep sane! Good Luck and best of Wishes!

Bev said...

So sorry you are going through a rough patch. You need to grieve as look as it takes to not be so heart wrenching. IMO hurts don't go away...they just become more ordinary and hurt less. Sending a virtural hug and know that God will answer your question about the next steps.

Sonya said...

There are so many of us right there alongside you Amy, praying for you and rooting for you during this past and coming year of changes.

Hugs,
Sonya

Cute Beams said...

I am a follower of your blog and an admire all you do! If you create something you seem to do it with such style and ease! Taking on the 3 people who have broken wings is something I admire most in you! Breathe, pray, pray some more and know that God has your back! Your gratiude will become infectious to those little broken birds. And soon they will soar!

Calamity Anne said...

So many people that have commented before me have shared good words of wisdom...so I will add one more wish for you...stay strong and love all of your little angels as much as your heart can (and I can tell that you have a huge heart). I too follow your blog religiously, and so look forward to everything that you share with us. Hugs and smiles from Texas!!!

Maerlowe said...

If you've ever read Baggage and Bug, two years ago she took a middle-of-the-night placement of three siblings. Shortly after that, she added two teenagers, plus she already had a tween adopted daughter. Someone somewhere along the way told her that one traumatized child = 3 or 4 normal children. I totally agree with that, and the ages of the kids this time around are so much more difficult -- not babies but not able to express their complicated feelings, and they can already be so injured by their situations. It just isn't the same as normal kids. When my son came to live with us, I couldn't take him anywhere, couldn't calm him, couldn't leave him with anyone, couldn't make him trust me, and on and on. So don't feel bad. If you end up taking these three into your home, I can tell you that it will probably be horrible for a while. It was for us, and sometimes I wonder how I made it through, but now it is 2.5 years later and even though parenting is never easy, it isn't terrifying. Anyway, if you need someone who understands how hurt toddlers can be and how hard it is to help broken kids, let me know.

Anonymous said...

“I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.”

Those children will be blessed to have you in their lives forever or for three months. We did foster care training and in the end it was not the right time for us (we have 5 already). Our kids are all under 10 and it would have been too much. We were told over and over how hard it would be to foster a child, and here you are with 3 little ones. Your heart is so big. Baby was sent to you for a reason, so were these 3 children. That,which does not kill us, makes us stronger. You are an amazing mother, my dear stranger friend.

Saucy said...

Actually a regular massage will be a "must" for you in the months to come so go ahead and pencil it in. It will do you good... and those little ones you will be caring for, in turn.

Can you play a special song before you go to sleep, ensuring that you will see Baby in your dreams? It works.

Jerusalem said...

you will be amazed how much your arms and your heart will be able to expand. also, sometimes, the best thing to do is to just sit down. even if it is in the middle of a messy kitchen floor. crying helps, hot baths help, going out with girlfriends helps. being in a continual state of prayer never hurts either. hang in their friend - your life is about to be filled to overflowing!! hugs!

Debby Schuh said...

Once again you've touched my heart! Gratitude is the perfect antidote for most things! Thank you for the reminder.

(Sometimes!) Serendipitous Girl said...

You and your amazing heart continue to astound me. And never cease to make me teary eyed! GAH! I love coming here and I can only imagine how loved anyone who crosses the threshold of you home must feel.

Go gently. Sometimes we try and be everything, not realizing that just by BEING we already are.

Mary Beth said...

Amy, please continue to blog and tell us all what is happening!
You have a HUGE cheering section out here, and all of us are standing alongside you and Rich and the kids, cheering you ALL along.

Anonymous said...

Bless your dear sweet soul. You are very special.

I love children, but one of the reasons I couldn't be a foster parent is because of the attachment issues. It doesn't seem fair that one is expected to mother these children and then give them up.

elaine

Anonymous said...

I've been following your blog for a little while now, and I had no idea about your little boy. I am so sorry... But I've gotta say you are blessed...you have a big heart, you spread love around with your smile, words and generosity...I am sure your little angel is watching over you as you dream of him..I hope your wishes of the 3 little ones come true and your house becomes all cheerfull and colorfull...God bless you!