Friday, October 10, 2008

the morning after...


I had a really low day yesterday. By the time Rich got home, I just collapsed into a tearful blubbering fit in his arms.

I had decided in the afternoon to make a photostory of Baby using all the photos we took while he was here, set to two of his favorite songs. I put the photos in chronological order...the first few pictures are of his birthday party, less than a week after his arrival.

Going through all of those pictures, and then having them come to life with the pans and zooms and all, was just a little bit too much for my broken heart. But then, after maybe the 12th time of watching the little show I was able to smile a little through my tears.

I know that he is where he's meant to be and that he will have a wonderful life ahead of him, full of love and care and guidance. My sadness is from missing him so much. And that sadness rests in my throat and aches whenever I swallow. Sometimes it makes my head buzz and my eyes sting out hot tears. I am at the brink of full out weeping at any moment.

This morning, fresh with promise, my eyes sprung open and I felt better. I awoke with a prayer on my lips. I'm asking God to help me out of that place where all this seems too much to bear and into a place of peace. If you talk to Him today, will you ask the same for everyone who's suffered a loss?

30 comments:

Michelle said...

The power of prayer is amazing, and consider your family, and the precious one prayed for. A warm bloggy hug for you too!
Smiles,
Michelle

LindaSonia said...

most assuredly I will pray for peace for you and for all who are suffering with a loss. Hugs, LindaSonia

Scrappy Jessi said...

hey sweetie,
i am reaching through my computer and giving you a big ol hug!!!
it will get easier. i promise.
see you soon.
oxoxo,
jessi

Wish on a Whisker said...

My heart hurts for you! ~Mandy

Kim in Carlsbad said...

I will pray for you and all who are suffering loss. I am sure it helps to know what important work you have done, but the feelings of separation are still great. I hope that soon you and Rich can breath easy and feel at peace and strength knowing how much you have helped a family and Sweet Baby. Love to you...

Annette D said...

Embrace your sadness in order to be able to later move to a different plain. I will pray for Rich and You!

Lynne said...

Prayers on the way!
Hugs to you, dear Amy.

kelly said...

Oh I wish I could help you feel better. I can't imagine how hard this must be. You've done the most remarkable thing, by being a foster parent. I don't think I could do what you've done. And you and Rich have done the most selfless, loving thing for this child. He will always be better for having had such great love. Your in my prayers

Lorrie said...

May the God of all comfort wrap you both in his loving arms.

Praying for you and for others.

Lorrie

Apricot Tree said...

I will keep this prayer in my heart today.
God Bless

Cindy

Cindie said...

I know as a parent this has to be such a difficult time for you and your husband. You have made a wonderful difference in the life of this child I am sure. Remember the sweetness of the moments and daily surrender the pain to the Lord.

I will pray and know that He has something wonderful for your lives.

Halo Hill said...

Oh Sweetie, of course I'll pray for you. I have been thinking of you a lot lately knowing that you'd be lonely without him. Take care of you. You gave him a most precious gift... yourselves with lots of love.

Sheila

Cindy said...

That little guy was so lucky to have you and your husband. I'm praying for you and your family and for him. Thinking of you sweet girl!

Heidi of Everyday Cookies said...

Sweet Angel Amy. You will always be in his heart, even when he grows up. There will be a warm loving place in his heart that you filled to the brim. Hugs and prayers.
*Heidi*
Everday-Cookies.blogspot.com

stephanie t. said...

hugs amy...
just think of the love that Baby carries with him...love begets love...of the millions of children out there, starving for loving arms, YOU were there for Baby...YOU made a difference.

ASHLEY said...

your honesty is heart warming and i'm sorry for the loss you are experiencing from your precious son...even if only for a moment. your reward in heaven must be magical i am sure. may God bless you both for giving of yourselves in a most special and high way in the life of a small child...i'm not sure i could've walked in your shoes. bless you.

Linda said...

You are in my prayers! You and your husband gave so much love... it will take awhile to refill, but it will happen.

Laura Ingalls Gunn said...

Oh dear Amy,

My heart is so heavy for you and Rich.
Although it may seem like it will never get better, there will come a day after God has been working His miracles that you will realize "Today, I wasn't sad."
I am praying for that day and until then remember:
You and Rich made a DIFFERENCE in the life of one small child.
Blessings to you.

lauradodson said...

May the Lord hold you and Rich close to Him as you grieve. He loves you (and baby) with an everlasting love and underneath are His everlasting arms. Hugs. Prayers.

Chris Worthy said...

Praying for peace for you, your husband and Baby...

Penny said...

Even though we have never met, I just wish I could give you a little cuddle right now, from my heart to yours! Peace, peace, peace be!

Christine said...

I recently gifted our gaurdian baby which we had since he was first born. I know that his new family is perfect for him. It does get easier but there isn't a day that goes by that I don't whisper, I miss Dave...I wonder if he misses me. I happened upon your blog, God must have had a hand in it. It has been 6 months....I wish I could rewind the time and enjoy those moments again. Blessings, Christine

Alice dR said...

Amy, my heart for you. I cannot imagine. . . I will keep you both in my prayers. You and your husband are so brave to open your hearts as you did. Only good can come from that kind of courage.

Saucy said...

Dear Amy,

One big hug... to you.

Love
Saucy

Mrs. LIAYF said...

My thoughts to you, your husband, and to anyone else who has had a loss. And, a hug. Baby was so lucky to have you.

demonstration blog said...

Hi, just stopped by to see what wonderful things you were up to. You two are wonderful people to have cared for Baby knowing that you had to say goodbye some day.

No matter how strong you wish to be, remember grief is about losing anything in life. Grief is important, and you must allow yourself those days of feeling sad. Grief doesn't come in chronological order, some days will be good and some not so good. But in the end it will pass and your heart will feel the warmth of the love that you sewed into this little baby.

Blessings, Karen

Grace said...

So many hugs and squeezes coming to you! You and your Husband are fabulous big hearted people you did a great job and will always love baby and baby will always love you too. I will keep all of you in my prayers to give you the streangth to smile at the memories without the flood of tears. Hugs Grace

sheila said...

I hadn't checked in for a while so only now found out that Baby had gone back to his family. I just wanted to send my support to you as well. You both gave that little boy, who sounded so lost and scared when he came to you, so much love and care. It will always stand him in good stead throughout his life. I think things must be so hard at the moment though and have no real words of comfort apart from to say that time will pass and you'll keep walking along. Cry when you need to and keep talking to Rich and your friends and family. The happy memories will always be there.

FrenchGardenHouse said...

I am adding my prayers for you and Rich. Bless you, dears, for having the courage to open your hearts to that little one who needed you. You have left a lasting impression on his life, and God used both of you just at the right time for Baby.

Asking God to help you smile at his memory and for that sorrow and broken heartednes to pass.
xo Lidy

Doojie said...

Either buy the CD or download India.Aire's This Too Shall Pass. I've had a little family trama (nothing like yours but still...) and I listen to it several times a day and it really does help and remind that time will heal and help. It's sweet and a little sad which I find validates my feelings but also gives hope for healing so in the end it is uplifting yet affirming. Try it, I think it helps. With love, Stephanie