Friday, September 26, 2008

how I'm doing...

I stayed in my pajamas until after lunch.

Then I spent about an hour in the bathtub.

I talked on the phone with friends, catching up and crying and remembering Baby.

When I saw his car seat in the backseat, I wept.

Then I went to the fabric store and just stared at stuff.

I called to see how he's doing and when his father put him on the phone, I choked up. I sang him a song and he sang a little bit back.

I really, really miss him. I wish I could hold him and give him a butterfly kiss and then an eskimo kiss and then a kiss each on his chubby cheeks.

Oh, but I love him. Sweet, sweet baby. A dream made to order.

Lots of people have said to me of foster care "I don't know how you can do it. I couldn't do it." I never really know how to respond. I mean, truly, I wouldn't think I could do it either. But here I am. I'm sad, sure. But I think of that little baby and the gift that was given to us and I'm proud.

43 comments:

Anonymous said...

I am praying with you. You have a beautiful way of sharing your story.

Harrison and Jaala Allen said...

Foster care is emotionally hard, that's true, but I have to agree with you... It is all worth it!

Chin up! (how long has it been since you heard that saying?), Baby knows that you loved him and I am sure you gave him the love skills he needs to have a wonderful life!

And just think... you were able to spend time in the BATH TUB... for an HOUR! Amazing!
-Jaala Allen

HollyDoodleDesigns said...

and i'm proud FOR you, and i'm proud to have known you just a little, and i'm grateful that you've shared and i'm amazed by you. and now i'm crying too.

Tammy said...

sending you butterfly kisses, and eskimo kisses, and sweet little baby kisses on your tear-stained cheeks. xoxo

FillyFolly said...

I always wondered how my son's foster family handled it after we took him home from Korea. He was their first foster child too, and they were very much in love with him and had taken good care of him. We can't call them and let him talk to them on the phone. In fact, we don't even know their names, but we spent a few hours in their apartment in Seoul with them and they will always be a part of his life that I will have him remember. I tell him that he has had 3 Mommies who loved him very much. His birth mother, his foster mother, and the one who is lucky enough to hold him forever...me. But I never forget the others.
Thank you for what you did for this baby, and what I hope you will continue to do for others. They will take a little piece of your heart each time, I'm sure, but I hope that piece will grow again in the knowledge that because of your love, a child has a better chance at life.

CalicoDaisy said...

I get weepy every time you add the next bit of your story. I'm thankful you were there for him but know how your heart is mourning right now.
-- Michele

Leslie said...

Aww, that would be so hard! How wonderful that you're willing to give your love, even when it hurts.

Anonymous said...

God love ya! I had my first precious baby foster girl when I was 21. She was with me for 6 weeks and when they took her to her adoptive home, it was like they ripped the life out of me. It took me over 10 years to get up the nerve to do it again. Her 32nd birthday was last week. It still brought tears. There is nothing like that love between a newborn and the foster mommy. No matter how detached you try to remain to protect yourself, God grows that intense love so the child gets all the love they need. Aren't they such a precious treasure!

Claudia said...

I've been reading your story through your blog and want to tell you how much I admire you. Truly you are an angel. You and your husband are selfless, loving and amazing. Your love and care for baby will bless him throughout his life and you will always be part of him. Oh, I'm not telling you anything you don't already know in your heart... bless you, bless you. Know that all of us are sending you our love.

Claudia

nel said...

How many of us have lost something precious but say we wouldn't have had it any other way for the joy that it brought to our lives, even for a moment.

I pray that the happy moments and memories become the comfort for you that you need. I cannot imagine...

Dawn said...

I know we all wish we could give you a big hug today.

Judy said...

Oh, Amy.

I come to your blog because you do truly inspire me.

Now it has gone to such depths that it is beyond just inspiration.

You've shown just what it truly means to love selflessly.

I am SOOOO happy that you will be allowed to continue to have contact with Baby. Even at a long distance, it must help, some.

Saucy said...

I'm so glad you wrote this post, Amy. We have been wondering how you are doing... this must be so hard for you, but think about how far Baby came while he was with you! And how much he was loved. Don't be sad.

Club Little House might cheer you up, no?

Maija said...

You were so wonderful to Baby, giving him all your love, completely! If you didn't give him all your heart, you wouldn't miss him so. He was so lucky to have your love and care, as you were blessed with his!
ox

julie & joe said...

It's always so hard to send them home no matter how long or short they are with us in foster care. But somehow we move on and when they call you to take the next one, you will say "yes" and the love affair will begin again. Just remember that you gave him safety and love while you were with him and hopefully helped his family to heal so they were ready for him to come back.

Storybook Woods said...

Dear Amy, I just have to say, you are such a gift. Your outlook is such a blessing to all who are reading it. Thank you Clarice

amy h said...

And you should be proud. As hard as parts of this experience have been, it really sounds like everyone got the best they could from the situation. This is how fostering SHOULD be for every kid!

Keep taking it easy, Amy.

cupcake studio said...

Will be sending up prayers for your heart this weekend. Your story is an amazing one...thank you for continuing to share it.

Elizabeth Holcombe said...

You are a wonderful lady with so much love to give. Baby's world is so much brighter because you will always be in it whether near or far. Thanks for letting us in on your very very special journey~~~~XXOO, Beth

Lovie said...

you have the heart of a lion. I love you, brave friend.

holistic_earthmama said...

Ah, my heart goes out to you at this sad time. I am amazed at what a generous and beautiful spirit you have and I bet that will stay with Baby for his lifetime. Best wishes!

Jerusalem said...

You guys are amazing and wonderful and inspirational and every child who is lucky enough to come into your home will be blessed in someway. Baby will always hold a special place because he was first, and no matter what comes next, all of your hearts and worlds are expanded because of this wonderful experience.

karen said...

Dear Amy
Be proud of what you have done and who you are and take care of yourself. My heart goes out to you Please see that the sorrow has enriched your life as has the sweetness.

jennlui said...

my heart goes out to you, you are so strong! reading your posts on baby makes my heart so sad, but then i think of the joy that you have given this little one (and any foster child) and even if it's just for a little bit, i'm not as sad... you enrich lives and that is more than beautiful! take good good care and grieve your heart away! but don't forget the positive impact you had (have) on baby and that beautiful connection you now have for life.

Laura Ingalls Gunn said...

A prayer for your strength and a happy life for all.

Anonymous said...

I see you and Rich as living angels that are given to the sweet little ones who need one so much. I love how that sounds and the perspective it gives....just thinking about being hand picked from above to be an angel for a wee person in need. What an honor. How lucky you are to be picked as such! How lucky they are, too.

xoxo

Teresa McFayden

Loraine said...

i wish that i could bring you a cupcake.

you have made a difference.

Junie Moon said...

You and your husband have such big hearts and my own heart goes out to you during this hard transition period. I think what you both did for Baby is extraordinarily beautiful and loving.

Katie R said...

My God provide the strength and comfort you need as you bless others. You are in my prayers!

charlotte said...

And I am proud of you, my amazing friend! We're with you here. Sending more hugs today. xoC

Anonymous said...

My family had foster kids when I was growing up. It is an interesting path. One that's hard to understand unless you've been there.

I noticed something while reading your post; it describes how I feel about my soldier in Iraq. You might benefit from reading up on 'anticipatory grief.' Just a thought. Understanding the process of separation can be helpful.

I wish you strength, understanding and more wonderful children in your future.

Katie said...

I so admire you and your husband . . . what a wonderful difference you have made in this big world -- and not a little difference, a HUGE difference in many lives. First, of course, for Baby and his family who now have the responsibility and joy of continuing what you have begun. And also you've made a big difference in my life and in all our lives -- those who have followed your journey. You are showing each of us how to be a better, more loving, and more selfless person.

Lisa said...

Was thinking of you this week, I am back home in MI helping my Mom with my step-dad's death and wanted to let you know I am sending big hugs. I know you will be ok and your love will stay with him for a lifetime. Still it makes me a bit weepy though.
Even though we don't know each other I think the world of you and wanted to let you know.
((hugs))
Lisa

AnastasiaC said...

awww (hugs) to you!!! we're so proud of you too...you showed that baby boy so much love and he to you - precious memories for ever!!!

Anonymous said...

This is a tough, tough time for you Amy but your faith and love will see you through. You and Rich are truly amazing people. Just to know that you took this little one in to your lives and made such a difference in his life is amazing... hold that close to your heart and soon the good memories will be kind and gentle....xoxo Michelle blissfultimes.com

michelle said...

Oh you are so strong! I am so impressed with how you have handled this whole thing. I am so sad for you, but so so happy for Baby. What a lucky little person to have you love him.

Sweetina said...

I am thanking you for being a compassionate and embracing human being that,(despite the sadness of sending us on our way),give the gift of love and ensure babies transition and thrive in a loving family environment.
Back n '57,I lived with a Foster family the 1st 4 months of my life~and I have all the sweet notes my daily routine and the name they had for me!
I wanted to tell you that Baby will think of you and be thankful~even if he is too young to remember. You will always have a place in the heart of each baby.
You are an Angel.
hugsxx
Tina

Leisa said...

Bless you Amy - the world needs many foster mummies just like you to care for those little children. I am sure your love for him will stay with him forever.

Anonymous said...

Hi, I have just closed my front door as my little 4 year old foster girl of 14 months left for a new home. My heart is breaking and the tears are falling falling falling. Your blog has given me a sense of peace and hope. Some of the comments have been wonderfully helpful which is just what I needed.

Little T was my second foster child. I don't agree it gets any easier - this time it feels far worse than the first time, but it is true that you get a different life back (i'm going to go for a run first thing tomorrow and on retreat for the whole day which is something I haven't done for over a year)

After a few weeks you will be yearning for the phone to ring with the chance for you to take delivery of your next little bundle.

You never forget but just like grief, time heals and there will always be a place in your heart for each child who walks with you for a while.

I have a great card someone gave me. It says, "Mothers hold their children's hands a while and their hearts forever". This is just as true for foster mums. God bless all of us who hold hands in this way.

Cristina said...

Hi Sweet Amy-
I am feeling your heartache along with you and our family is praying both for your family and baby's family. I had a similar yet different pain of my own over the past 2 years. My oldest son went to boarding school due to some trouble he got into. He was gone almost overnight. I felt as though someone had wrenched one of my limbs off and then said, "ok - now go do the same things you always do and live the same life." It's hard, but the pain will subside and find a small place in your heart to live and remember. Your love has forever changed baby's life.
xoxo
Cristina

Kenna said...

Long time reader and first time poster, here. My heart aches for you. My cheeks are wet for you! You have given Baby a very special gift (as has he to you). No,.I don't know how you do it... but you just DO, like many other things in life. Your strength inspires me.

SuperCoolMom said...

I don't know if this will help or hurt, (probably a little of both)...My friend and her hubby have 3 boys from fost-adopt and got baby Jack-Jack at 4 weeks old. They had him for 6 months and the State, in their wisdom, gave him back to Dad. He was gone for 8 months, while Dad tried to get his act together. He failed, and now Jack-Jack is back! Forever!!!

Like I said, probably a little hurt, a little hope. Try, try again. {{{HUGS}}}

SuperCoolMom said...

I'm sorry, I haven't read the whole story...I hope my comment was appropriate. {{{more hugs}}}