Thursday, November 20, 2008

breakdown

Something happened this weekend that I didn't expect. I had a little breakdown.

It all happened as I was in line to meet Mary Engelbreit. I had decided that, even though I'd forgotten the book at home that I'd wanted her to sign, I would share with her the story of how a book she wrote, Lovey Dovey, was so much a part of our love affair with Baby.

My friend Cindy sent the book way back when we were preparing for this new chapter in our life, when all of you wonderful friends sent care packages. It was a special book for her family too...in fact, she is called "Lovey" by her grandchildren because of it.

We started reading that book to Baby on the second day he was here, our little bird with a broken wing. It was then, with that book, that I started to realize what a special baby he is, how he seemed to be made just for us. He looked at every detail of every page. I can still see him holding the book close to his face and scanning the illustrations.

There were certain little things we'd do on each page...he'd point to the dog pull-toy on one page, and stick out his tongue and pant. On another page, "Chicakadee", he'd point to the little chick and we'd pretend that the chick walked up his pointed finger, down his arm, and kiss him on the cheek.

I know that if I had created something that had such an impact on someone's life, I'd want to know about it. I didn't go into all this detail with Mary. Well, even if I wanted to, I couldn't. The thought of this special details let loose a tsunami of tears. I couldn't hold them back. I think she understood what I meant. She was so nice.

Unfortunately, embarrassingly, some folks in line thought I was sobbing because I was meeting Mary.

Afterwards, late for class, I went to my room to gather up my supplies and just fell to the floor in tears. My whole body shook with them and there was a voice to these tears that hadn't been there before. I couldn't control any of it and I was terrified. I couldn't even tell that the sound that I was hearing was coming from me...it was foreign and distant.

I was angry at myself. How, oh how, could this be happening now??!

I tried to pull myself together.

There were a few more collapses, including one where I had to duck into the Business Center. I know that it was full of people checking email, etc. who were probably horrified at the emotional mess that landed in there. I tried to pull myself together. I did not want this to be happening...not now, not here.

As I passed the line of people waiting to talk to Mary, again someone yelled out "She's still crying!" I was so embarrassed.

I made it to the bathroom...really, this is endless. It was another series of unsuccessfully trying to pull myself together. I know I looked like hell. I could see it in people's eyes.

I think what's happened is that I've entered a new stage of grief. And I think it is in this stage that someone could really disappear into the darkness of it all. As someone who has never really experienced any sort of depression, it's scary. I'm not depressed, clearly, but I am here standing at the mouth of a cave that has no end.

I know you are all pulling for me, and I just know you'll fill up the comment box with encouragement. I appreciate that. More than anything, I want to be honest with you about how I'm doing.

We will make it through this...we have to. And I think that's the key in all of this...we have to get through this. We have to walk right through this stage with all the strength we can muster. There's no shortcut and no easy way.

I can feel the hand of God on me, helping me through. He expects us to get through it so that we can go on and help others.

Rich is having a hard time too. He doesn't really care to share his personal details on the blog, and I try always to respect that. But he's hurting deeply. We both need your prayers.

We are going to see Baby in less than 2 months for his second birthday. And we do ocassionally visit him by webcam. He seems to be doing well, adjusting to his new life fairly well.

Goodness, but do we miss him.

80 comments:

Lisa said...

Just remember we are sitting right with you here, always. Anyone who has experienced profound love and loss has stood at the mouth of that same cave. We know.
So take your time. We will sit with you as long as you need. You are not alone.

Angela said...

Hi Amy,
I find my self stuttering the words to say to you as I sit and cry for you and with you. I can't pretend to understand the grief you have right now, I lost my first child but that was before I ever got to hold him and while I still mourn for him or rather for me, it is so different for you and Rich. I just want you to know that you both are in my thoughts and prayers and I am asking God to rain peace down all over you. You are both such wonderful people to have given yourself so freely and I know that God has worked in this whole situation, how fun it will be to get to Heaven and see what a difference you made in Baby's life.

Scrappy Jessi said...

aaahhh hey sweets!!!
this has been a ruff rollercoaster ride.
don't you even worry or apoligize for the tears!!
we get it!!
i didn't see ya during this time.
i wish i could have just given ya a big ol hug!!!
tell ya i understand.
it will get better!!
love ya doll,
oops i mean "sweetheart" tee hee
Miss C
oxoxox,
Jessi

Pink Lemonade Bags said...

Please don't apologize for your grief, it is what makes you a wonderful human...being. To feel so deeply, to care so much, to love so freely, that is why we have a mortal existence...to learn what love means.

I wish I was there to give you a hug, a shoulder to cry on, and a warm cup of coffee to sip on.

Melissa said...

Amy, As a child my parents (who had 6 kids of their own) often took in foster children as they waited for their adoptions to go through. Each time was heartbreaking not only for my parents but for all of us as well. You mentioned that if you had created something that had such an impact on someone you would want to know...well you have. You gave that child a start in life that is something he may not remember in great detail but will know forever after. You gave him unconditional love that he will know when he feels it again. What an amazing gift you gave...your heart...in order to send this angel down the right path in life. You allowed him to begin his life with a heart so full of love and he is sure to carry that with him the rest of his days. You may have nudged that little bird from your nest but please be confident that you have given him the tools to fly!
Blessings and prayers to you & your husband as you go through this. Thank you for sharing.

Judy said...

Many prayers for all three of you.

The bonds of love don't break, they stretch.

McMaster & Storm said...

I'm at a loss for words. I'm so sorry {for both of you}. I will be thinking & praying for you both. Take care, Amy. {Don't worry about your emotions at S.Bella, you are hurting and it's ok to cry}

LOL,
Kara

Sam said...

Dear Amy, my thoughts are with you and Rich.

*~*TWo PiXie DoLLs*~* said...

You are in my prayers. You will get through this, and when you do, you will be stronger. I hope it all works out for the best.

~Krista

http://twopixiedolls.blogspot.com
toopixiedolls@yahoo.com

Tammy said...

My thoughts and every prayer continue to be with you both. My friend lost her mother to a brain aneurism a little more than 3 years ago (my friend was nearly 30 at the time... her mother was in her late 40's... too early in life to lose a mother, too early in life to pass on). Melissa has yet to experience the second stage of grief... she knows this and actually wishes for it. I think she's tired of walking around in a foggy-like state of mind, while her life and the world changes around her. I was thinking of her mother the other day (who I truly adored) and wrote Melissa to tell her what I'd been feeling. She wrote back, saying that the email made her cry (a lot) and that she wished she were able to do that a whole lot more. It's so very difficult to lose someone you lost. I've loved and lost myself and mourn everyday... I miss an old relationship sometimes, and my surrogate grandfather, and my cat of 20 years. As hard and as untimely as it is, your break down is a good healthy sign. Your heart will never fully recover for that would mean forgetting (and we all know that this will never be possible, nor would you want it to be). It will forever sport a scar. You are truly so very special. I don't remember when or how I found your blog, but you remind me that the world is filled with so much love and good intent. {hugs}

www.tammymellish.typepad.com

TattingChic said...

Oh, it is so embarassing when emotions take hold in a public place like that. Your tears were for a very sweet reason.

Lovie said...

I would do anything to help you, dear friend. Of course, I know there is not a thing I can say or do that will allay any of this heart pain for you. But I will be praying rest assured on that.

Storybook Woods said...

Dear Amy and Rich, I am so sorry and can not imaging how you must feel. I am praying. Clarice

Danielle Muller said...

you don't have anything to be embarrassed about...let them think whatever they want to think. you are a precious generous loving giving soul and i know that Jesus is there with you holding your heart in His hands. He will get you through this pain and He will give you the strength to march on. i love you dearly...

blessings,
danielle
www.thevintagedragonfly.typepad.com

Lilli said...

Poor Girl :( Grief has its own schedule sometimes. You're just lucky that you've been able to begin the process fairly early, compared to some people who stuff it down for so long that it eats away at them. Better an embarrassing cry in front of everyone than keeping it in and having your health suffer as it surely would.

Keeping you and Rich in my prayers :)

melissa said...

I had wanted to tell you at Silver Bella that I have been praying for you ever since you took baby in, and have continued to. But of course, I felt too silly. Please know now, that I, along with so many others hold you and Rich, as well as baby, up in our prayers.

melissa

heartrockshome.com said...

Oh Grief..that visitor that seems to find us all at one time or another. In addition to reading the Word of God, I have found the book "A Grace Disguised" by Sittser to be most helpful. Well written, Christian, encouraging, placing the label 'normal' on our grief, giving us permission to grieve and finding Grace in the midst. The first part of the book about his grief may seem overwhelming and you may be tempted to quit..but soldier on...even skipping to the last few chapters and then going back to the first is okay. It is just inspiring. God bless you - your honey and that little. Arlene

Debbie @ ribbonwoodcottage.blogspot.com said...

Very very touched by your post. We have all visited grief, and sometimes that visit is longer than we would like. But it does make you a much more tender person, and much wiser. We are standing with you and holding you up in prayer...Deuteronomy 33:27 says the arms of a loving God will uphold you...
Blessings,
Debbie

Anonymous said...

I understand your grief, I wish I could write something that would help. I see our BABY at least once a month but I still ache.

Blessings,
Christine

Jeanne said...

With love and hugs and prayers.
Love Jeanne

m i c h e l l e said...

Dearest Amy...thank you for your honesty and for coming to us for strength. Your tenderness and the depth of your grief is a testament to how large your capacity for love is. Amy, I will hold you, your dear husband, and Baby in my thoughts and prayers.

With Love,
Michelle

Heidi of Everyday Cookies said...

Amy, You are special, Rich, too. You may never fully know how much you've given Baby to carry with him forever. Solid love in his heart that no one can take away from him. I regret not just taken you from your seat in Sally Jean's class and held you tight to let you cry. I didn't know exactly what was going on, and I hope that you know I do care. What a blessing it was for me to meet you and see how precious you are in person.
Love and hugs,
Heidi Woodruff

Saucy said...

Amy we love you.

xoxo

Valerie said...

There are no words to describe how special you and Rich are. I am an adoptive mom, and my son is from Guatemala. His foster mother played a huge role in who he is today, and I can never repay her for that. It seemed very unfair to have this woman pour her life into him for a year only for me to take him away. I know it was hard for her, but she had an amazing servant's heart in doing what she did, not only for my son, but for his birthparents, and for my husband and I as well. My prayer for you is the same as what I pray for her -- that God would not only heal your heart, but that He would bless your lives above and beyond what we could ever imagine, and that He would keep your heart open and healthy enough to foster again if it is in His will because you are a gift to this world as a foster parent. I'm sorry it is so heartbreaking. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

dede warren said...

Dear, sweet Amy,

though I don't know you, I feel for you and the pain you and your husband are going through. It's heartbreaking to go through the grief and sadness that comes when the little one's you so generously care for move onto the next chapter of their lives. It is the reality of how deeply your care, and how big your heart is to offer to help these children that so desperately need it. You will get through this, and hopefully go on to nurture, love, care for, and help heal yet more of these little angels. I thank God for people like you, who are so open hearted, and selfless to help the littlest one, who can't help themselves. I pray for peace and comfort for you both.

Dede

POPIN Sisters said...

My sincerest thoughts and prayers go out to you and Rich. You are such a bright light in many people's lives, I hope the light makes it back around to you soon.

Love ~ Jamie

Alice dR said...

You are so brave to open your heart and share your tears and your grief. But that was evident when you opened your heart to take in the little child who touched you so. I cry with you.

Bev said...

Grief takes as long as it takes...don't be hard on yourself. You are brave to share your grief and I know you know that it will get better. God is holding you softly in his hands and will guide you through this rough patch. Baby is so blessed to have your love.
Big HUG!

meleen dupré said...

amy,

don't ever hold back tears...they're so real!
you can't see me now, but i'm sending you a big hug!!

hugs and smiles,
meleen
(and remember...you pick me and i pick you for the volleyball team!! a deal is a deal!!)

Doreen said...

Oh, sweet Amy. Please know lots of love is coming your way from me, Mom and Evan. Love and hugs to you. Take care.

Sonya said...

Oh Amy, everytime I read about sweet baby and this transition, I just get so choked up for everyone. Tears are healing, even those that seem simply unending and uncontrollable. We have all had those tears at one point or another. Scary at the time, but real and healing in one way or another. I am sending huge hugs and covering you all in prayers.
Sonya

Jill Elaine said...

I said a prayer for you and will keep you on my prayer list.
I know you have been a positive influence in Baby's life and God will get you through this grieving stage.
Jill

Grace said...

so many hugs and prayers going out to you and your husband. Grace

Little Pink Studio said...

Oh Amy, my heart hurts for you. I cried right along with you reading this.
If there is anything you need, anything at all, just let me know.
Much, much love,
Cerri xo

Lisa said...

Amy,
You are right we are pulling for your. Grief hits at such strange times. Just when you think it's going ok, bam..you fall to the floor screaming in pain. This loss will take time allow yourself the tears. And really I think more than anything women understand tears. Probably many of them that saw you just wanted to give you aig hug, but didn't know you well enough to do so. Just know that you are supported by your bloggy friends who have followed your journey too here. It will be light again soon.
xoxo
Lisa

Carolr said...

Dear Amy,
This grief thing...it just overwhelms us like an unseen tsunami.I had one of those this morning in my husband's closet.I just couldn't believe that he wouldn't be wearing these clothes again. A friend told me that instead of one long road, grief is cyclical--goes round and round. We get better, but here it comes again. I'm hoping that it also becomes more faint. That it will eventually stop grabbing and wrenching out these painful cries and tears. Well, whew. This sure didn't turn out to be very comforting. Just know that you have these wonderful friends who love you and keep you in their prayers. You have purpose with this life the Lord gave you, and He will keep you close and show you the way.
Love, Carol

Anonymous said...

Dear Amy

How brave you are to share such a raw story. How brave you've been to chance your heart on this very small person.
Your grief is not just for Baby I am sure - the experience of having him in your life has brought home the reality of not being able to have your own baby - so the loss and the grief is a double portion.
Your public "meltdown" reminded me of the story of Hannah in 1 Samuel. It says in bitterness of soul she wept and prayed to the Lord. So - do that (He is big enough to handle it) and may God grant you what you have asked Him. I am holding you both up in prayer.

Half of the Style Sisters said...

This just shows how special and unique you are. You have a very tender heart and that is why you can do what you do to help these children. May you gain strength to deal with the pain but also realize you have been blessed with an enormous amount of compassion and so it is gonna hurt but remember to think of all you are doing to help others and spread more love in this world. Even though I don't know you I really admire you.

Take care and know you are loved by many too.

Beth Quinn said...

thinking of you sweet sweet amy !! big hugs,
xo,
beth

Thrifty Miss Priss said...

as I sit here with the tears streaming that just won't stop...my heart is aching for you. I visit here often but don't always leave a comment. I think you had something to look forward to, something to focus on when baby left...then you were way out there and the feelings just rushed in....it's best to just let them fly out whatever way they have to. I'm sad for you that you were all alone.
I wish I'd gone to Silver Bella....I'm crossing fingers and toes for next year.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers Amy.

deb said...

Sweet friend. I'm sending great big,comforting hugs to you both. xo

Cynthia said...

I've enjoyed your blog forever. I found it somehow as I searched for paper. I'm embarrassed to say that at the time I didn't even know what a blog was. Now I have a long list of many inspiring blogs that I enjoy. Yours is always the first I go to...almost daily.
Without all of the details, it sounds like we have been down similar paths...only you and your husband have courageously taken the huge and wonderful step of becoming foster parents. What a blessing you are to that sweet baby. I can't praise you enough. Fear stops me in my tracks. It's wonderful that it did not stop you. I'm sorry that you are sad now, but what joy has been yours and will be yours again.
I've never left a comment, but I just couldn't see a heart so broken and not offer my gratitude for your sweet devotion to that baby. And your beautiful blog. Thank you!

MaryL said...

Thinking of you and Rich and keeping you in my prayers. I greatly admire what you have chosen to do. If you never do it again or if you do it a 100 more times- You have my complete respect. What a lovely gift you have given. I must admit that I daily read your blog and yet I am not cutesy or glittery. I just can't get over your quiet faith that leads you and your calling to give. You truly inspire me to go beyond myself. The fact that you admit to your real feelings just makes you more admirable and an even bigger inspiration.Thank you for sharing and inspiring.

MaryL

Andrea at Opulent Cottage said...

Dear Amy, can you feel the prayers? We are sending them, all of us! Hang on girl, one day it won't hurt quite as much. Just make it until then, and soon you'll have a happy day where you won't feel so sad, we promise! xoxo

Paper Relics said...

So glad I was there JUST when you needed a hug today.

xo

Laura Ingalls Gunn said...

Hi Amy,

Would it help to know that there is someone out there who's heart is touching yours?

My dad passed away 3 months ago, and I have been handling it SO well. Until today.

Today as I left class I got into my car and turned on the radio. Bing Crosby soon began singing. By the second stanza I had to pull over I was such a sobbing, snotty mess.

Bing was my dad's favorite.

So I sit here in tears (again) wishing for a Christmas like the ones I used to know. Saying a little prayer for everyone one who may feel a bit blue.

Be blessed. Cry. It's ok.

Jana said...

I'm here with you, Sweetie. Let yourself do what you need to do and don't fight it.

Recycled Rita said...

You are so brave to share your hurt! I can just feel it from here in calif. I hope you both are lifted up and can move on very soon to an easier time. I don't really know you I know, but I can tell from my gut that you are wonderful people and although I do believe you will be a much stronger person once you work through this, I hate to see you both in pain!
My prayers and best wishes to you both...
karen....

Kelly said...

My heart goes out to you and your husband. I lost a very much wanted baby at 4 1/2 months into my pregnancy. It was and still is the most devastating experience of my life. And just like you, when I thought I was doing ok, then I wasn't. Grief comes in spurts, waves, when you least expect it. As horrible as it is, your going through a healing process. It took me a full year to feel anywhere near normal. So my heart goes out to you-- it hurts beyond belief. God and time are miracle workers... I won't tell you that the pain ever really goes away, but it becomes more of a memory and less of an intense emotion. I'll keep you and yours in my prayers. And gosh, you sure looked CUTE at Silver Bella. Forget the rude people in line...

kim hesson said...

amy,
my prayers and thoughts are with you and your hubby as you go thru this hard time. you are such a wonderful and strong person and will make it thru this in time.

*~*TWo PiXie DoLLs*~* said...

Congrats! I have given you a blog award!
Come visit my blog http://twopixiedolls.blogspot.com
to see it!

xoxo
~Krista

Missy said...

Take your time Amy. You need it. Your heart will heal eventually. You'll never forget, but it will heal.
Who cares about the rude people who thought they knew why you were crying. So insensitive.
We all love you. You all will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Elizabeth Holcombe said...

I'm so sorry, Amy. I hope you are comforted by the love which surrounds you as evidenced by the many friends who have commented before me. Love you much, Beth

Shabrayle said...

I've been an avid reader of your blog for about 4 years, since the birth of my first son, so I've virtually (via the internet :) connected to your stories about Baby and all of the jubilation and sadness you've written about. I found myself crying at your description of the profound pain you're going through. I think profound is an apt word because only through that kind of profound love could such anguish come. I don't know you but you seem to be one of the most joyful and courageously sweet spirits I've ever witnessed. The fact that Baby has known the kind of love that someone like you can offer is a blessing to him, and I'm sure to inspire such love he was a blessing to you. I wish you the best.

glenn Bliss said...

Dear Amy,
I am praying for you. I'll offer my rosary for you this morning. You will get through this.

bec4 said...

Amy, thanks for sharing yourself with us. I said a prayer for you and Baby too. Remember: Psalm 94: v18 When I thought that my feet were nearly falling,your kind love, LORD, kept me safe. v19 When I was not happy in my mind,you made me strong and happy again!

Diane said...

Dear Amy,

I'm so sorry you are hurting so much, but it a reflection on how deeply you love. I think things hit sometimes when finally are alone. My thoughts and prayers are with you and Rich.

Diane

Anonymous said...

I want you to know that I am praying with you and have my husband praying as well. I was at the Embassy Suites on Friday - only able to do the Vendor Faire - my children were enchanted with your prom attire when we saw you come through the evening reception area. I have been showing them blog photos and they can't get enough of your pix! All to say, everyone's story is different but our family had a loss of a beautiful boy almost 8 years ago. The journey is long and painful, taking me to places I have never known. I completely understand your reaction to the book memories. I pray for your family's healing and peace. Kris

A bird in the hand said...

This is so human, and so natural, so it's not surprising. I wish I could give you a big warm squishy hug. XOXO

Marlou said...

hi there, this is my first time reading your blog , I send you good wishes for full recovery. I myself have had a huge breakdown 8 years ago and a couple of smaller ones since. I have bipolar and The Lord has strengthened me every day of my life, take care :)

Sharolyn Perry said...

oh Amy... I am so sorry that you are having to go through this grief. Just remember if you don't think you can make it through one day, then think you can make it through one hour, one second. You are an inspiration and my heart and prayers go out to you. Thank you for sharing with us and even though we can't stand next to you in person, we are there in spirit.

Kim Caldwell said...

Sweet, Sweet Amy. I had no idea you were suffering and only saw your fabulous smile and kind heart on display. Please don't worry about others - we all love you and are there for you through this tuff time. Slowly your heart will mend and make room for the next step in your journey of motherhood. This painful ending brings with it a new joyous beginning that is right around the corner when you are ready. . .

Hugs, Kim

Loraine said...

i am so sorry for your heartache...

Andrea Singarella said...

Dear Amy,
Your generous heart has inspired so many of us to try and be better people. Look at how many you have touched! I am so glad to have met you (finally!) and see your kindness first hand. Please don't be embarrassed for your emotions. Sometimes they have a way of sneaking up on us when we are just not expecting it. Love is such a powerful bond, and Baby will always carry that in his heart, whether or not he remembers every detail. You and Rich are angels to him.
Hugs, my sweet friend,
Andrea

Anonymous said...

Amy I can not say I even begin to understand what you are going through, but I do know that your emotions are an attest to your deep love and dedication to Baby. Don't be embarrassed over what happened (and wouldn't you know, it had to happen at the worst possible time - in public - surrounded by people who have NO clue what was happening!!) you can't control it. This is going to be a long and difficult healing processes, please know we are all along for this journey too, every step of the way. You are NOT alone. You and Rich take good care of each other, ok?

kerry lynn said...

i'm so sorry amy that you have to feel this pain. it shows the tremendous love and care you sent out to the world by taking care of baby. by opening up your heart. by being compassionate and open, by being a safe place and creating a loving home.

but most important please do not be embarrased.

you are grieving and your emotions are raw. it is ok. and you need to get it out because you have a true heart.

sending love & hugs.
xo

RaisedInCotton said...

Sweet Amy,

I too was in that Mary Engelbreit line holding back tears related to my own Mom's passing 2 months ago. I was remembering a book that I had Mary sign a few years ago that she had written on Motherhood. I wish I could give the ache in your heart a gentle hug to let you know that yes it will be better.

Blessings,
Carol

rochambeau said...

Dear Friend,
I'm SO sorry.
love,
Constance

Shannon (Faith and Chocolate) said...

Sweet Amy... my prayers are with you, my dear. I can't imagine the sadness in your heart, but I know of loss, and it is painfully sad. Tomorrow is yet another day, full of new hopes, new dreams, and new opportunities... Something will come your way that will make all this seem like a small stepping stone toward a bigger and happy ending- or beginning! Happy Thanks-giving, my dear. Take care,
Hugs and more hugs,
Shannon

lauradodson said...

"The Lord also will be a refuge for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble. And those who know Your name will put their trust in You; for You, Lord, have not forsaken those who seek You."

Psalm 9:9,10

Rest in His tender care and loving arms. He will heal your heart.

Love,
Laura

Closet Artist said...

Amy I happened to be in the business centre when you tucked in. I debated about offering any help but you were gone before I could speak. I had no idea why you were upset and you are strong to share that here.
I just wanted to say, I am sorry. God is indeed with you, your husband and Baby.

Renee

paige said...

sweet amy
you did make an impact on someone's life...baby's life. i'm sure the love you poured into him gave him such a sense of security--the gift that all babies need.

thank you for sharing your soul & god bless you & rich
you are in my thoughts tonight.

ps--i am not a weirdo checking emails on thanksgiving night. i am actually at work. i work for a children's hospital in atlanta, we do telephone triage. we are sortof slow for the moment so i wanted to drop by a few blogs.
glad i visited you, you will be in my thoughts.
xo

bari said...

Sweet Amy,
A million hugs and prayers to you and Rich! And, do your breaking down any time you wish! It's all so understandable.
Love,
Bari

ASHLEY said...

i heard someone the other day say, "i asked God to meet me right where i was and He did just that"...and it really affected me, thinking, "God CAN meet me where i am, broken and saddened and afraid and full of fear" because THAT'S WHAT GOD DOES...it was like a lightbulb came on...i don't HAVE to have it together and God WILL MEET ME! wow. what a concept. even now it's still a hard concept for me to grasp... i know i don't know you at all, but i've been reading your blog for years and my heart feels for your longing and sadness. i seem to love the person you are because there's so much of you that i'd love to be more like... and, i have to say, my first thought of ANYONE standing behind you in line with any kind of negative emotion is beyond comprehension...why, you girl, are just a little like ms. mary yourself in the world of blogging...i would imagine if there had been a "sign my blog and meet me" table with you sitting behind it, there'd be a long line of admireres waiting to meet miss amy...don't you agree? much love and many blessings. praying for God (THE KING!!!) to meet you where you are.

Grey Cottage Studio said...

Amy & Rich,

We've never met. I thank you for sharing your beautiful story. The best thing I can wish for you both is PEACE.

You can't go around grief, you have to go through it.

Jill

Supercool Hotmama said...

{{{HUGS}}}

Melissa said...

Hi dear girl.
You don't know me....but I just wanted to send a gentle squeeze your way as your sweet and heartfelt story has touched me. I am so sorry for what you are going through....you are loved and so is your little one :)
Melissa

Anonymous said...

I tried but need to learn how to size the pic. Thanks, Gayle

Saved Sinner said...

I just found your blog rather randomly and I just wanted to say that I had never thought about how emotionally challenging it must be to give back a child you have been fostering. It is a wonderful thing you have done. God bless you.

Lisa-pie said...

Amy,
Thank you so much for writing so eloquently about your grief. I had just finished talking to my sister when I happened upon your post. My sister lost her husband a little over a year ago, and is having a very difficult time in general, but especially dealing with the holidays. I sent her your link, and I know that it will help her a lot...as well as the thoughtful comments that your readers have left. I will keep you and your husband in my prayers.