Something happened this weekend that I didn't expect. I had a little breakdown.
It all happened as I was in line to meet Mary Engelbreit. I had decided that, even though I'd forgotten the book at home that I'd wanted her to sign, I would share with her the story of how a book she wrote, Lovey Dovey, was so much a part of our love affair with Baby.
My friend Cindy sent the book way back when we were preparing for this new chapter in our life, when all of you wonderful friends sent care packages. It was a special book for her family too...in fact, she is called "Lovey" by her grandchildren because of it.
We started reading that book to Baby on the second day he was here, our little bird with a broken wing. It was then, with that book, that I started to realize what a special baby he is, how he seemed to be made just for us. He looked at every detail of every page. I can still see him holding the book close to his face and scanning the illustrations.
There were certain little things we'd do on each page...he'd point to the dog pull-toy on one page, and stick out his tongue and pant. On another page, "Chicakadee", he'd point to the little chick and we'd pretend that the chick walked up his pointed finger, down his arm, and kiss him on the cheek.
I know that if I had created something that had such an impact on someone's life, I'd want to know about it. I didn't go into all this detail with Mary. Well, even if I wanted to, I couldn't. The thought of this special details let loose a tsunami of tears. I couldn't hold them back. I think she understood what I meant. She was so nice.
Unfortunately, embarrassingly, some folks in line thought I was sobbing because I was meeting Mary.
Afterwards, late for class, I went to my room to gather up my supplies and just fell to the floor in tears. My whole body shook with them and there was a voice to these tears that hadn't been there before. I couldn't control any of it and I was terrified. I couldn't even tell that the sound that I was hearing was coming from me...it was foreign and distant.
I was angry at myself. How, oh how, could this be happening now??!
I tried to pull myself together.
There were a few more collapses, including one where I had to duck into the Business Center. I know that it was full of people checking email, etc. who were probably horrified at the emotional mess that landed in there. I tried to pull myself together. I did not want this to be happening...not now, not here.
As I passed the line of people waiting to talk to Mary, again someone yelled out "She's still crying!" I was so embarrassed.
I made it to the bathroom...really, this is endless. It was another series of unsuccessfully trying to pull myself together. I know I looked like hell. I could see it in people's eyes.
I think what's happened is that I've entered a new stage of grief. And I think it is in this stage that someone could really disappear into the darkness of it all. As someone who has never really experienced any sort of depression, it's scary. I'm not depressed, clearly, but I am here standing at the mouth of a cave that has no end.
I know you are all pulling for me, and I just know you'll fill up the comment box with encouragement. I appreciate that. More than anything, I want to be honest with you about how I'm doing.
We will make it through this...we have to. And I think that's the key in all of this...we have to get through this. We have to walk right through this stage with all the strength we can muster. There's no shortcut and no easy way.
I can feel the hand of God on me, helping me through. He expects us to get through it so that we can go on and help others.
Rich is having a hard time too. He doesn't really care to share his personal details on the blog, and I try always to respect that. But he's hurting deeply. We both need your prayers.
We are going to see Baby in less than 2 months for his second birthday. And we do ocassionally visit him by webcam. He seems to be doing well, adjusting to his new life fairly well.
Goodness, but do we miss him.